So … my husband is having an
affair. I’ve known about it for about 6 months now, but this is the first time
I am speaking openly about it. I know the mistress … well, I know of her. I
call one of our friends in Alexandria her pimp. She is pretty appealing--I’ll
give that to him. I’ve even considered joining them! Hey, I have to have a
sense of humor about it, right?
She clearly gives him things
I cannot. He has never looked better. He is happy. He’s 41, so I guess I’ll
just chalk it up to a mid-life crisis. He has even introduced the kids to her.
They seem to like her.
I guess I shouldn’t complain
too much. He still carries his weight at home. He spends a lot of time watching
videos of her that she posts on some obnoxious Facebook page she has. And, she
is even storing some of her things in our garage. Uh, okay, I don’t even get to
part my car in there! He mostly sees her really early in the morning, so it
doesn’t interfere with our lives too much. Every once in a while he sees her
after work, and has invited some guys from work to join them.
Wricka-Wricka … (That was my record scratch). Okay, it just got weird. I may as well reveal to you that his mistress is … CrossFit.
I apologize to friends and
family. I hope I didn’t give anyone a heart attack.
Here is the definition my
husband gave me: CrossFit describes its strength and conditioning program
as “constantly varied, high intensity, functional movement," with the
stated goal of improving fitness (and therefore general physical preparedness),
which it defines as "work capacity across broad time and modal
domains."
That all sounds reasonable
and completely harmless. But, from what I am starting to understand—not just
about my husband, but about the whole “CrossFit Community”—is that it is
somewhat of an obsession. Some outsiders have referred to it as a cult. Yea, I
could see it. I am advised to call it his “passion.” And, our friend in
Alexandria, VA, is the CrossFit coach who opened his eyes to it, so if anyone
from Northern Virginia is looking to do this or see less of their spouse, I’ll
hook you up.
And, yes, my 4-year-old twins
can be seen doing planks and lifting a PVC pipe. And, yes, I have a large
wooden box covered in shoe prints in my garage, a pull-up bar permanently
affixed to the wall, a couple of those ever-loving kettlebells, and several
other items that “hardly take any space.” And, yes, sometimes unexpected guests
show up in said garage to do something called the WOD (workout of the day), and
to try and achieve a PR (personal record). Other times they will do their WOD
at a “box,” the gym that houses these cults and their old-school exercises.
There is often talk among
these CrossFitters of “Paleo,” as if he is some kind of cult leader. Turns out, it’s a period of time, known as the
Paleolithic era—during the time of the caveman. The Paleo Diet is based on what
they call “clean eating.” It’s eating like the cavemen—mostly meat, fish, fruits,
and vegetables. I’m not sure if they have to hunt and gather their own food and
pull it back to their homes on a wagon with square wheels. Though, I’m sure if
my husband had to hunt for his food, he would certainly lose a lot of weight. I’m
not even sure if he knows where the grocery store is.
He talks endlessly about all
of these things, as do other cult members. He uses all the buzzwords I’ve
mentioned, and many more I’ve just stopped asking about. And, while this “passion”
has slightly impacted our lives, this mid-life crisis could be much, much
worse. And, yes, he looks amazing and he feels good about himself again … and,
that is good for all of us. I hope the “CrossFit World” doesn’t take offense to
any of this. I think what you are doing makes a lot of sense. Heck, if the
boxes started offering child care, I might be right there with you.
So, this blog is for all you
CrossFit widows out there. I feel your pain and I know you feel mine. And, all
you CrossFitters out there, I hope you blow your WOD right out of the water
today!
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