Crap No One Tells You ... About Personal Hygiene

Today, I am throwing myself under the bus in a public apology to my husband. My personal hygiene has taken a pretty big hit since having children. My mom advised me after the twins were born to do my best to shower and get myself halfway presentable every day. This wasn’t for others; this was for me and my own feeling of self. It was great advice and I think I managed pretty well, especially considering I had twin babies. But, now that number three is in our lives, I have forgotten what it’s like to feel “put together.” The Crap No One Tells You is not that you might miss a shower here and there, but that you will become flat out disgusting after having children.

It’s not uncommon at all to go 48 hours without a shower. For most people that’s probably not that big of deal. When your baby is young and spitting up on you all the time—on top of breastfeeding, if you are doing that—you will start to get a little ripe by day two. But, that is also the time when you wouldn’t let your husband touch you with a 10-foot pole if he tried, so really no harm done there.

Then, it leads to skipping hair washing. Often, I will go 4-5 days without washing my hair. Once the oil starts to appear on day 2-3, it almost looks as if it’s a little wet, so that someone might suspect you just got out of the shower. By day 4-5, there’s no other way to say it … nasty.

I shave my legs pretty frequently because I can’t stand the feeling of scratchy legs in bed. However, I neglect the areas that have been introduced to hair as I’ve aged—top of my feet, toes, random hairs growing out of weird parts of my body. What’s worse is I haven’t been to a professional landscaper in over a year, and the DIY project has fallen by the wayside. My eyebrows are overgrown, and will soon become one.

I haven’t flossed since the morning of my last dentist apt. I should, however, get points for going to the dentist. Though, it was two months ago. I could also stand a week of whitening strips to get rid of the coffee stains I’ve obtained in order to survive every day.

The last pedicure I had was towards the end of the summer, and that was done by me and my 4-year-old daughter. The same polish still remains, untouched, except by time. I’m almost afraid to take it off for fear of what I may find underneath. My fingernail tips are short and smooth, only so I don’t scratch the baby. But, the cuticles are jagged and approaching about a quarter of the way up my nail bed.

I haven’t purchased new underwear in probably 2 years. And, remember, I was pregnant last year.

The only time I wash my face before bed is when I play volleyball. My pores are so clogged it almost looks like I have smooth skin.

Besides recreational volleyball once a week, I haven’t had a lick of exercise in months. Though, my 4-year-old son informed me when we were out for frozen yogurt (you know the kind that’s not horrible for you until you pile on the gummy bears, nuts, sprinkles, M&Ms, marshmallow cream, and hot fudge), that if you take a big spoonful, “it’s pretty good exercise.” I’m going with that.

My husband and I do make a good effort of getting out for date night. But, when we do, I still don’t have much time to get ready. The only way it will happen is to have the babysitter come early, but then I stress over paying a babysitter so I can flat iron my hair. It’s just not worth it.

Yes, I’m hideous. I can’t even stand myself. So, honey, I did my best this morning while the baby was sleeping and the twins were at school. I could have forgone the blogging, but instead I didn’t do the dishes. I did take a shower, wash my hair, and shave my legs. I even took a Q-Tip to my ears and spent longer than 20 seconds brushing my teeth. I have a little bit of makeup on and blow-dried my hair straight. I’m sure by the time you return this evening, I will again be a disheveled mess, but please know I tried. I’m sorry I’m disgusting.

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